It's really fucking hard to be a woman and talk about feminism. I don't even like using the word at all, unless I'm around those who I know will not take it as a bad word. It's like veganism. I hate talking about it- it's gotten such a bad rap from extremists. And the extremists don't even have it wrong, they just tend to be abrasive and confrontational, making everyone else defensive- even if they agree. It's a vicious cycle, so I just avoid the polarizing words altogether.
However, there have been a lot of women's issues being brought up lately, and a lot of discussions I've been observing.
Abortion has been a big one for a while, even though we thought we'd settled it with Roe v. Wade. I can understand the desire for those who want to protect the life of a fetus, for I can see a parallel in the way I want to protect animals who cannot speak for themselves. However, the fetus is different in that it is reliant on the woman in order to live, and sometimes, to protect the fetus is to compromise the life of an already existing and fully developed human. Which is more important? The definition of when life begins is up in the air. You know, does life begin when a baby is born? Is it when it's able to live outside of the mother? Is it at conception? Or maybe, life begins on the first day of the mother's last menstrual period?
Wait, what the fuck? For real? Are we really just giving science and reason the finger here? Think about that law for a second. Now, think about the fetal personhood bill (which was thankfully rejected... for this year), or the mandatory ultrasound bill (which was unthankfully signed into effect). All of these measures are granting rights to the unborn, which is nice in theory, except in order to do so, they are squashing the rights of the already born. Those already-born folk do happen to be women, and women happen to be in the minority of these positions of power. This is just how it is at the moment, because no matter how legal it is for minorities of any sort to run for office, there are many factors involved to actually GET them there. Thanks to the feminists and activists in my life for helping me recognize this.
Rape has always been a sensitive topic. It's actually become more of a sensitive topic to me as I have really begun to see how much it's affected those around me and people in general. It's highly likely that if you have not been raped, you probably know someone who has been raped. Whether or not you KNOW that about them is not certain, because who would want to talk about that? It's a hush-hush thing, and for that reason, it remains dangerous.
Something I've put a lot of thought into lately is the idea of rape being more than forcible rape. We've seen this talk in the news lately, thanks to Akin's blatantly idiotic and uninformed comments about rape. There are many offensive indications made by his comment, aside from honestly believing women have some sort of cunt militia that prevents pregnancy when forcibly raped- there is the sheer mention of "forcible"... as if other kinds of rape are less valid. When you think about this further, though, he managed to put the blame of pregnancy from rape on the woman. It's pretty astounding. If the woman gets pregnant from rape, that means that her body actually wanted it, so it wasn't really rape. She wanted it.
The feminists and activists in my life have also opened my eyes to the term "rape culture". I have a feeling that this term is going to be the latest term to get overused to the point of having a bad rap, but it's serious business. Rape culture exists in a society where sexual violence is normalized. Of course we don't believe we condone it, but when you pick apart the details of sex in our culture, you can start to see it.
One important factor of rape culture is victim blaming. I used to be completely guilty of accepting this in high school, though I didn't realize it. I rebelled against looking like other girls, not only because I was disinterested in most things "girly", but I didn't want to be associated with the "weaker", "dumber" gender. I didn't want to be objectified. I wore boys clothes or unconventional makeup. Most importantly, I wore unrevealing clothing. I didn't even start wearing short shorts until I was 20 or 21. I bought into the idea that if I wore revealing clothing and someone took advantage of me, it was my fault. My dad helped perpetuate this idea- though I know he was only trying to protect me from the cruel world- by forbidding me to wear anything remotely revealing, for that reason. I have to be protected from all the men in the world who just can't help themselves. So, being raised to think like this, if someone pointed out a girl wearing skimpy clothing and said that they're just asking to get raped, my anti-girly self would agree with them.
Now, I know better. The vast majority of women would very much prefer not to be raped or taken advantage of in any way. So how does this become the woman's problem? I will agree that sometimes women dress for attention- they want to show off their assets. But they do it for attention, or because they like how they look in the outfit, and they perhaps do it for the prospect of sex. CONSENSUAL sex.
Back to the idea of forcible rape versus... what? What other kind of rape is there? Well, rape is nonconsensual sex. Does it always involve the use of physical strength in order to dominate and force unwanted acts upon someone? NO. There are the mental games. There are threats. There are drugs and alcohol. If someone has sex with a person who is too drunk to say no or realize what is happening, whose fault is that? In rape culture, it's the victim's fault for getting too fucked up to control themselves. What about all those times where guys beg and beg and beg for sex, and never let up? Sometimes, women will just succumb because they've been talked into it. "It's no big deal." "How about just the tip?" "I'll be nice." "Pleeeeeassse? Come on!" I've heard every fucking one of those lines. I've had to physically shove guys away from me, multiple times. If I had just said yes to shut them up, would it be rape? It doesn't matter what your answer is to that question, just that you're thinking about it. To me, I felt like I was about to get raped. Yes, I was interested in these guys, I thought they were attractive, and we were making out or fondling at the time. I was not, however, ready for sex. Once I got to college, there was another situation I encountered just like the ones I just mentioned. I walked him home, he was trashed as all get-out, and we were making out. Except this time, I wasn't a virgin, so it seemed like it wasn't as big of a deal. When he begged and begged and begged, I just gave in. I really liked him, and I wanted to get involved with him. This is why, when he never called me again, I felt used. And it was my fault, because I was a dumb, naive freshman who didn't know any better. No, it's not rape, but there's coercion involved. It's sex I've tried really hard not to regret, but I do. This happens to so many people, too. It becomes a learning experience- one that tells us to be cautious and untrusting. Which is so, so not sexy.
This is where it's hard to draw a line, especially legally. This is where we need to teach our young adults about consent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex, as long as it is completely consensual. It's hard, though. It's hard when there are liars in our midst, including women.
This is something I'm always trying to keep in check when it comes to feminism- the men. To me, feminism is not just about women, it's about pointing out the inequalities of gender and sex. There are plenty of men that get fucked over by women, too. Men get talked into sex and sexual acts, also, but they're not allowed to not like it in our society. Men always like sex, right? No, they can be guilted just as much. There is one aspect of abortion I've always wondered about. Yes, I absolutely think that the ultimate decision lies on the woman, because it is her body that must carry the child. But in the case where the couple has not discussed their views on pregnancy, and the women wants an abortion, I do feel bad for the guys that would rather raise the child. There's really no good way around that one.
My stream of consciousness writing has been long and is starting to dwindle. There are many other women's issues that I'm concerned about, and perhaps I will rant another time if I feel so inclined. Breasts as sexual objects, body image, general objectification, women's sexual health, etc.
The biggest outrage to me at this moment are the number of people who blame the victim, objectify women, or discredit women because they are women.
Okay, wait, back to that one. Blowing off a woman who is talking about women's issues and calling her a feminist, dumb cunt, stupid bitch, or any number of names fucking pisses me off. Oh, but that's exactly what you're pointing out, is that women are outraged over stupid shit? We're just hormonal? Got sand in our vaginas? It's so easy to say that a woman's opinion is biased or does not matter. Of course you're acting this way, because you're a woman, and you're buying into that feminist crap, and women are bitchy. There's already a nice little pre-established slot you can file us in. This is the most ironic reason that I hate talking about women's issues sometimes - I am a woman.
Now, along the same lines, I've noticed that white males are getting discredited more and more when they want to speak up about women's issues- particularly if they're not agreeing with the feminists. I find this rather concerning, and while I do completely agree that those with privileges should be aware of them, it also seems a little hypocritical to discredit any opinion when you're vying for equal rights. Again, I feel it's a delicate seesaw to be balanced. The first step is awareness.
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